I had an interesting experience this morning. I was give the chance to participate in a focus group about a book I really love. It was stimulating. I loved the opininions of the other women in the group, I loved the questions, and I loved sharing what I thought about the book. There were several times when I felt my opinions were very different than the others in the group and I enjoyed being vocal in that way. It was fun to be a bit contrary. I got finished with the group and felt...satisfied. I told my husband all about it and we talked books for a bit.
My opinions were very much a reflection of who I am. They were very indicative of the path Jesus has called me to walk. I was true to Jesus and true to me. And yet...I noticed this veiled ugliness appear. I was very proud of myself. I was leaning toward arrogance. All at once I realized I thought myself and my opinions better than the other ladies in the group. I thought I had it more "together." SICK. How did that creep in? I had to stop my self during the morning trip to take the kids to school and ask forgiveness. To repent of the judgement, the arrogance, and the misuse of who Jesus has made me to be. How quickly I leave the side of this amazing, mercy-filled Jesus and walk over to line up by the Pharisees.
I am really thoughtful of this today. I'm asking Jesus to show me where else this creeps in. I want to be holy because of the breath of God in my life...not self-righteous because I've twisted his gifts to suit myself.
Jesus, please expose and break down anything in me that doesn't look like you.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
Jesus
One day a song writer I know posted a lead on his facebook page. "So the bartender says to Jesus..." I was intrigued and played with it. This is what I came up with. I really like it...I hear a Johnny Cash sort of feel in it. I thought I'd share.
Jesus
So the bartender says to Jesus
I see the bottom of every glass
And reached a sober consensus
Tipsy dreams don’t come to pass
What do you have that’s different?
What is in such a name?
I’ve heard of your fame,
But life’s just a game
One unholy game
So Jesus says to the bartender
I walk in the muck on this street
My name is travel-stained and tender
I am all that you will need
Everyone wanders with longing, voiceless with our need
What if hope was just in a name
Just in a name as he
Jesus
So the bartender says to Jesus
I see the bottom of every glass
And reached a sober consensus
Tipsy dreams don’t come to pass
What do you have that’s different?
What is in such a name?
I’ve heard of your fame,
But life’s just a game
One unholy game
So Jesus says to the bartender
I walk in the muck on this street
My name is travel-stained and tender
I am all that you will need
Everyone wanders with longing, voiceless with our need
What if hope was just in a name
Just in a name as he
Thursday, March 26, 2009
So, I want to tell a little story about a dog.
One day I was running the trails in the forest by my house…32 degrees and sunny, a little crunchy snow on the ground, exploring new trails further than I usually go on my own. It was so fresh feeling and I was talking with God as I ran. Well, this particular day….my kids had been asking for a dog. I take that before God and kind of just see what he says. I don’t hear much until a ways down the road there is this young lab hauling down the road with his owner driving next to him in a truck. I wonder if the dog is running away or what. Then I get closer, pet the dog, and realize…the guy is just giving the dog a good run. They are out having fun. And God whispers…”You could use a little shadow.” I sort of smile and wonder if that’s an affirmative.
Months go by. I still want a dog. My kids still ask every day. I’m sort of haunted by the other dog we had years before when I had three kids 4 and under. I loved her but she was not obedient and I didn't train her well. I felt like I had failed her and us. It seemed like this could be a great idea for our family or I could end up with one more responsibility and blow it. So I ask the kids to start praying that God would bring us the right dog. I am praying that too but honestly, I am feeling a little unbelief. I’m not sure he will. Under that is the question “Does he love us that much and in the details such as a dog?”
We start visiting the humane society on a regular basis…my 5 year old daughter cries every time we leave. So much puppy love in that little heart that she just breaks every time we leave alone. My boys start fighting about which dog we should get. It all starts to feel a little over whelming. Is this really worth it? I keep my eye out for a dog named “Shadow.” Just in case. I don’t really know if that is what God meant but I figure it can’t hurt. I look for an older dog that is already trained. None of them seem right.
No dog named “Shadow” shows up. My husband isn’t super excited about this dog idea. Then one night we get to talking about our dogs we had as children. Both of us went through loss with dogs and both of us are a little afraid to love a dog. To me, fear always signals something is not right. My hackles go up and I figure Satan is afoot.
So I pray. And I pray. And I look. And sort of lose heart eventually. Until one day when my husband is at a weekend retreat in Colorado, I see this dog. Totally NOT the dog I wanted. A border collie. I do not want a hyper Border Collie. I have three hyper children. In fact, I specifically remember telling my husband that I don’t want any Border Collie even mixed into the mutt we might get someday. But the eyes on this dog…they are so kind. His face is expressive. The lady at the shelter says that this dog is special. He came in as a stray. He sits, stays, comes, and plays dead. Seriously…you can point your finger like a gun and he drops dead. He sounds like a dream that couldn’t possibley come true. So, I still don’t think a border collie is a good idea. So I don’t say anything at first. And then one day I’m praying and God reminds me to follow my heart. And I realize that I like the looks of this dog. Something about his face makes me smile. I am still skeptical but I call the lady at the shelter and see if we can come see him. The kids and I go out to see him. He is a love of a dog. The rest of the dogs at the shelter are going NUTS and he doesn’t even bark. He lets my three year old walk him with out pulling on the leash. I am sold. But my husband is still in Colorado and even though the spicey side of me would like to just get this dog, the other side that loves my husband’s heart. We ask if we can put the dog on hold until Michael get's home the next evening.
Michael comes home and we all tell him about the dog. He is not excited. He is in fact a little annoyed at me for getting the kid's hopes up. But the next day, he awakens feeling refreshed and like we should at least look at the dog. We go look. The first thing he says is “That is not the dog I pictured us getting.” I just let him walk Levi around and he eventually sees what I saw in him. He is a good dog. I kind of stand back and watch Michael try this decision on. I see all the “what if’s” cross his mind. I see the inconveniences and the extra money. And then, I watch him choose life. Choose to love a dog. To let his children grow up with a dog to love. To somehow participate in fathering my heart by choosing all of this. He looks over and say “Why not. Let’s take a dog home.”
The continuing story is this: Levi is all we hoped for and more. He is smart, funny, and he lets the kids love all over him. He follows me around the house....like a shadow. The first night we had him, we went on a 6 mile run in the snow. I explored way further than normal and just felt at home with God. I was a bit giddy in his love for me. Levi is perfect for our family. Maybe this seems silly to you. Maybe this would not be that big of a deal to everyone. But to me? God loved us through the gift of Levi. Michael fathered us all by choosing life and choosing Levi.
It’s just a dog. Or is it? If you mix up the letters in Levi…they spell Live. That’s where we are. Living in the shadow of God’s love.
One day I was running the trails in the forest by my house…32 degrees and sunny, a little crunchy snow on the ground, exploring new trails further than I usually go on my own. It was so fresh feeling and I was talking with God as I ran. Well, this particular day….my kids had been asking for a dog. I take that before God and kind of just see what he says. I don’t hear much until a ways down the road there is this young lab hauling down the road with his owner driving next to him in a truck. I wonder if the dog is running away or what. Then I get closer, pet the dog, and realize…the guy is just giving the dog a good run. They are out having fun. And God whispers…”You could use a little shadow.” I sort of smile and wonder if that’s an affirmative.
Months go by. I still want a dog. My kids still ask every day. I’m sort of haunted by the other dog we had years before when I had three kids 4 and under. I loved her but she was not obedient and I didn't train her well. I felt like I had failed her and us. It seemed like this could be a great idea for our family or I could end up with one more responsibility and blow it. So I ask the kids to start praying that God would bring us the right dog. I am praying that too but honestly, I am feeling a little unbelief. I’m not sure he will. Under that is the question “Does he love us that much and in the details such as a dog?”
We start visiting the humane society on a regular basis…my 5 year old daughter cries every time we leave. So much puppy love in that little heart that she just breaks every time we leave alone. My boys start fighting about which dog we should get. It all starts to feel a little over whelming. Is this really worth it? I keep my eye out for a dog named “Shadow.” Just in case. I don’t really know if that is what God meant but I figure it can’t hurt. I look for an older dog that is already trained. None of them seem right.
No dog named “Shadow” shows up. My husband isn’t super excited about this dog idea. Then one night we get to talking about our dogs we had as children. Both of us went through loss with dogs and both of us are a little afraid to love a dog. To me, fear always signals something is not right. My hackles go up and I figure Satan is afoot.
So I pray. And I pray. And I look. And sort of lose heart eventually. Until one day when my husband is at a weekend retreat in Colorado, I see this dog. Totally NOT the dog I wanted. A border collie. I do not want a hyper Border Collie. I have three hyper children. In fact, I specifically remember telling my husband that I don’t want any Border Collie even mixed into the mutt we might get someday. But the eyes on this dog…they are so kind. His face is expressive. The lady at the shelter says that this dog is special. He came in as a stray. He sits, stays, comes, and plays dead. Seriously…you can point your finger like a gun and he drops dead. He sounds like a dream that couldn’t possibley come true. So, I still don’t think a border collie is a good idea. So I don’t say anything at first. And then one day I’m praying and God reminds me to follow my heart. And I realize that I like the looks of this dog. Something about his face makes me smile. I am still skeptical but I call the lady at the shelter and see if we can come see him. The kids and I go out to see him. He is a love of a dog. The rest of the dogs at the shelter are going NUTS and he doesn’t even bark. He lets my three year old walk him with out pulling on the leash. I am sold. But my husband is still in Colorado and even though the spicey side of me would like to just get this dog, the other side that loves my husband’s heart. We ask if we can put the dog on hold until Michael get's home the next evening.
Michael comes home and we all tell him about the dog. He is not excited. He is in fact a little annoyed at me for getting the kid's hopes up. But the next day, he awakens feeling refreshed and like we should at least look at the dog. We go look. The first thing he says is “That is not the dog I pictured us getting.” I just let him walk Levi around and he eventually sees what I saw in him. He is a good dog. I kind of stand back and watch Michael try this decision on. I see all the “what if’s” cross his mind. I see the inconveniences and the extra money. And then, I watch him choose life. Choose to love a dog. To let his children grow up with a dog to love. To somehow participate in fathering my heart by choosing all of this. He looks over and say “Why not. Let’s take a dog home.”
The continuing story is this: Levi is all we hoped for and more. He is smart, funny, and he lets the kids love all over him. He follows me around the house....like a shadow. The first night we had him, we went on a 6 mile run in the snow. I explored way further than normal and just felt at home with God. I was a bit giddy in his love for me. Levi is perfect for our family. Maybe this seems silly to you. Maybe this would not be that big of a deal to everyone. But to me? God loved us through the gift of Levi. Michael fathered us all by choosing life and choosing Levi.
It’s just a dog. Or is it? If you mix up the letters in Levi…they spell Live. That’s where we are. Living in the shadow of God’s love.
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